Thursday, 16 April 2009

these are the reasons I think that I'm ill.

I think I've gone mad. Blogging doesn't happen any more, it just doesn't, because sometimes the internet is just not a good place for it. It just isn't. And when something is so insane that it takes up all of your thoughts, it is hard to think of anything else to blog about. But fuck it, I've given up. I'm not entirely sure what I've given up on, though, it certainly isn't worrying. Or going mad, it's quite hard to give up on going mad. Fuuuuck.
I'd do a light airy post about how I'm a terrible blogger and how here-are-some-photos-of-the-things-you've-missed, but really, I don't want to. I should, I really should, because people will ask questions and I don't want to be asked questions. I'll explain myself to those who I should when it's all okay, okay?
I'm not making much sense, I know. But my life doesn't seem to make much sense any more. I appear to be becoming a slight recluse, i have a welsh exam in six days and i havent even started work for it; I just sit at home listening to laura marling, jeff buckley and amy macdonald, and playing tetris. I'd go out but really, that means being cheerful. and it's always raining anyway, and dull, and that doesn't make good photos. Urg, all we seem to do now is take photos. I know me and Catherine wanted to do something ridiculous every month, but this wasn't quite what I had in mind. Don't get me wrong, I love photography. But I hate going somewhere and doing things just for the sake of photos. I want to go somewhere and do things for the sake of going somewhere and doing things, and if I get some nice photos out of it, that's fucking great too. But I suppose people are right. Life is fucking boring and apparently the only way to convince yourself otherwise is to go and get fucked off your head. fantastic. I'm going to enjoy my boring life, though, thanks.
I really, really want to go back now. I'm not quite sure where too, though. I was discussing this with cheryl last night (yeah, hazel, i know, he's the antichrist), and even he thinks this year is fucked up. which is quite fantastic, considering he's the one who broke his life.. blarg. god, this is such a nonsensical rant. But iunno, in a way I want to go back before bekki beat us up, so before i was scared of leaving my house. and I want to go back before cheryl was a cardboard cut-out of a prickish version of himself. and I want to go back before all this schoolwork and all this mess. But I don't want to go back before dean, because he's the best thing that ever happened to me, and i'd prefer to die than to lose him. I kind of want a mixture of last summer and the summer before, with the good bits from each? urgh. Time travel isn't possible.
I think I've become too dependent on the internet. I basically only bother to wear nice clothes if I haven't put them on lookbook yet, I only take photos so people can comment on them on bebo.. I'm starting to hate the internet, but it's basically the only way I can talk to dean frequently, because he lives so far away. double urgh.
I'm hoping things will improve when exams are over and all this is sorted out and I get to see dean all summer.. but things never quite work like that, do they.
ranty rant is ranty. I don't know, ranting somewhere where I think people will read it (even though I'm pretty sure they won't) makes me feel a bit better than ranting to a piece of notepaper which i proceed to rip up. It's also a fantastic way of procrastinating. welsh exam welsh exam welsh exam.
I hate my welsh class anyway. Maybe it'd be a good thing if I failed. They're all like 'look at us we're like a big family of welshness whooo' and i'm the one sat in the corner being ignored. Not that I want to talk to them, they're all too normal and boring and consider 'fun' as 'getting drunk'. I hate people who do that. Not that I know what 'fun' is anyway.
I'd like to go home. Unfortunately for me, I am currently sat in my house.
I think I'm going to stop ranting now. Like I said before, if you don't know what any of this is about, please, don't ask. If you do, please, don't mention it. And if you should know, but you don't, you will know soon. Mumble.
On a lighter note: pictures time.

this photo is of my sanity. ^

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